Friday, September 30, 2011

Sanctuary

Sitting here with my kitten on my hands made me think of being a child again. Carelessly playing and running, begging moms to buy them one of those big, red, shiny balloons.
It occurred to me how vaguely I remember my childhood. I remember only tidbits of the good stuffs while others shamelessly brag about their childhood from their cute little tawny eyes.

Have I ever wanted that balloon?

The child in me screams that I, of course had wanted it. Who didn't?
But then I never was that child in the beginning nor am I that that adult now.

I seem to be different than the rest and that always irked me. I always wondered where did I go wrong? Why am I like this? Don't I belong here? Am I an alien who got lost and ended up here in this place called "Earth".

Clinging to those questions I trudged into this unknown world hoping I'll get answers or maybe meeting a fellow alien or two.
Day became night and night becomes Day again, over and over this process repeated but nothing.
I didn't have the answers. And I never will have it.
It wasn't because I can't find the answers to my questions but rather my questions weren't worth answering. It was already there in front of me, glaring. Begging to be noticed. I was too engrossed at looking at other angles, too preoccupied in looking at the sides that I forgot to see the obvious. I wasn't alone. I may be the only one but I was never alone. I am surrounded by lots of aliens who are alone yet they seek refuge in the company of other aliens. Friends, family, co-workers, classmates or even passing acquaintances.
This is a place where lost aliens find sanctuary and a new birth. This is Genesis.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Red Lines.

I'm not a genius.


I can't do mathematics on my head. I can't invent Facebook. I can't compose a song nor do I have the talent to sing one. I don't know who killed that U.S president which was mentioned on my history class in high school. I can't use more than ten percent of my brains to function. I can't invent anything. I suck at debates. I don't know how to use commas and semicolons. I can't speak French. My English is bad. I don't know how to play chess.

Nor am I cool.


I don't go to parties and dress like some celebrity. I don't have the money to afford those useless luxuries people have nowadays. I don't know how to dance. I can't speak like Mark Zuckerberg. I can't hack to any site like  Kristina Svechinskaya.  I can't get any followers or whatever. I don't appreciate loud music. I hate crowded places. I despise social people thus making me uncool right from the start.


I'm not awesome either.


I can't think of anything that i'm good at. I'm lame. I mess up easily and i feel stupid most of the time.
But you know what? I'm starting to not care at all. It's still a long way but I'm getting there. I'm getting to the point where I wear who I am on my sleeves and fuck others if they say otherwise. I'm planning to leave all this shit behind. Get a new life. Start a new page of mistakes and learn from the other page that being an asshole isn't always cool.


I'm just me after all. I know it's a petty excuse but that's all I have to at least redeem some of my ego, my pride, me. I'm not running from anything by getting out of the picture. I just want a new album.Get a new lens to look myself from. Defog the blurriness that was me.
I still won't aim to please. Nor will I change for the betterment of the people. I'll change because I want to change. I feel like I need to change.


It's not so bad. Once I take a good look of the preview ahead... it ain't that bad at all.
I may lose something...Well, many things but maybe i'll gain much more. Who knows?
maybe I'll get to be the genius I so want to become, or maybe be the cool guy for being himself. I may somehow be awesome for all I know. But either way, awesome or not, all I want to do is flip the next page and start a new chapter.


Who knows, I may get to be a billionaire. :)  

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Can't Help but Smile

Let's face it.


I  never imagined this would happen...
Would you like to guess what happened to lil' ol' plain me? No right?

Well then i won't beat around the bush anymore. "He" asked me to be his girlfriend and wait for me...Tempting right?

I easily got tempted. (hahaha)

I said yes. Through fucking ym and facebook. I know he doesn't want people to know bout our relationship much..Only those close to us.. I accept that.. so try my best not to act like a Love-struck girl and post whatever shit on facebook or whatever social site I can find. I really don't want to bother people especially him.

This will be a very hard relationship... Only relying on chat and social networking sites... No text messages, no calls, no visit, no face-to-face, no nothing. I'm so anxious to catch him online that I seldom turn off my computer..not that it has much difference in the past anyway. (all those downloads and I'm an insomniac.=.=)
So the only thing I can do is wait.
wait and wait and and wait.

Now he's getting busier and busier cuz' he's trying  to land a job and go to college and everything, plus he's a gamer so I can't really distract him when he's playing (dunn wanna be a bother plus i know the feeling ^^).
But I'll get by~ I've spent my years waiting...What's the diff. now?

Hmmm... Maybe the difference is that I'm waiting for something that I want so badly to see..touch..feel...embrace.

I can only hope for the best.



...Wish me luck <3

Monday, February 28, 2011

Abstract to concrete.

It ends.

Five days of ethereal fantasy came crashing down on me.
My hope that eveything will work out fine, that he'll communicate with me, that he'll stay strong was all gone.
My hunch that I'm just someone to pass the time with was true. I wish I had the guts to stop lovin him and listened to my friends.
They knew him better than I did...But who can blame me? Can I stop myself from loving my true love? It may sound cheesy but that's how I feel. I don't know with him... Well, I guess I know now...
I must be the most unlucky person in the world... The person whom I wanted to spend my life with was just an ordinary playboy, wanting to have a good time wilst in another country.
I'm pathetic right? I know I am...

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Let's Runaway.

I never believed in Long Distance Relationships... Sure, there are  a lot of people doing that now, even my friends have a LDR. But I didn't like LDR. Not one bit. My parents used LDR to get away from each other and now they're separated, so I clearly have an issue with Long Distance Relationships. But I guess I don't have a choice now that I've found him. Or maybe he found me? He's leaving today and I'll never see him again...well, not for a very long time. And the thing that irks me most is that we didn't commit.. Yes I know he's the one for me but for him, am I the right one? It sucks to be
the only one stranded and loving. I know I am an unlucky person but I didn't think I would be this unlucky!
I'm guessing now he's laughing his ass off knowing he left behind a stupid, love-struck girl. But part of me wants to think that he's thinking of me...Wishing that his flight was delayed or wishing he could stay for a bit longer. Pipe dreams I may have but it never hurts to dream...that's all I have.

My friends told me that he's just messing with me and to give up on him. But how can I give up on true love? Whatever his decision may be, mine is final. There's nothing I can really do if he'll go on dating other women in the other side of the world. It will hurt but I can't do anything about it. It may take longer to say that I'm happy for him, but I'll get there..someday.
He said he would wait for me... Can I really believe that? Knowing there's a lot of distractions over there with him? Who am I to those sexy, flawless, white, tall American beauties? No one. I can't even compare myself even inch of their "Godly Beauty". I guess all I have is attitude, which is even not enough to attract him much longer.
I know I'm wallowing myself in self-pity but I'm an insecure person... I couldn't even call myself a girl not until someone told me those bumps on my chest are called Boobs and only girls have it, unless you're a transvestite..Are you? So I don't have anything to bind myself to him. I may not like Twilight but I want myself to be Bella; no matter how ugly you are, some perfect guy sees you like your a goddess and falls for you completely. But I'm not. And he looks more like Jacob Black than that Freaky Edward Cullen (=.=).


WAAAAA~!Damnnit! I Miss him... too much it hurts..My smile when I said goodbye was so forced It hurt. i want him to be all mine but i can't have him...
I am Unlucky.
That's that.
I'm hoping maybe someday life would be so ever kind to me.



True love Suxs...But I'm still hoping and waiting...
<3

Monday, January 24, 2011

Seemingly Insignificant Introduction

I may seem small or insignificant to the eyes
Revealing little but all secrets I can't hide
I know for sure this blog will trouble my world
But i would gladly receive it than turn my back on whatever you may hurl
Experience, enjoy, type frantically, be coy
That is what i see in the future in this little soliloquy
Jeopardize my schedule will surely be
But hey, who cares? I'm totally free
I would love to keep on going this never ending poem
But it seems life should stop, toss a few coins
If it land on heads I will keep going
But alas, it falls on it's tails
so i bid thee Goodbye my fair young robins.